Happy Romance Month To Me!

Image via Wikipedia

After valentines day, and into Shivaratri (Nine nights of celebration for Lord Shiva) I am feeling the romance, and yes, I am still on the journey of celibacy. Well, it actually feels even more romantic, because I get to do everything that I WANT to do and love doing. I am having fun!

I did some very exciting things this past week:

I had brunch with a good friend and business partner. We are discussing our new venture “Brown Sugar”,  a night of dance and music with Hemalayaa and DJ Alsultany. There will be more dancing with the Los Angeles/Santa Monica community on a regular basis – Every last Saturday of the month, starting March 24th.

I am in Houston after the Texas Yoga Conference and have had an incredible time loving and getting loved up, hugged by so some many wonderful friends. New and old friends, and great ones I get to see on the road at conferences and fabulous festivals. I feel blessed everyday to teach with incredible light-beings all around me. And we filmed a 3 minute movie yesterday, with me starring in it, coming soon…

Last night was Maha Shivaratri (great night of Lord Shiva), and I am feeling a shift as he has entered the picture. It’s a very auspicious time, and I am feeling a romantic stir occurring. Not sure what it means or where its going, but I feel it strong. Shiva is known as the destroyer or transformer of the universe, and a great yogi. One of his representations is a Lingam (Male phallus symbol, usually with the female counterpart, the Yoni), and maybe Shiva is blessing me with this energy right now, energetically. And when a woman wants to meet “her man” and welcome in her partner, it is a good time to ask Shiva to bring forth this energy. I do welcome this…And I am having a blast in my life right now. I never knew Celibacy was going to be this powerful for me.

I am patient. I feel strong in myself and I am really trusting the universe and myself. I feel clear that this has been the right choice for me.

Romance is something I practice everyday in someway. With the food I eat, the bike rides I take, the people I laugh with, and the dance I move in. One of my commitments is to do something everyday that is FUN for me. I see this alot with people following their “todo” list, and I do too. What would happen if we scheduled a simple walk in the park, or perhaps a picnic for lunch, maybe a dessert in the middle of the day…?

A concept/practice I learned from one of my favorite books, ‘The Artists Way’ by Julia Cameron is  “artist dates” which are important moments for us to nourish our souls. We feel that life IS fun and we CAN enjoy being with ourselves in these self-dates. These are to be done alone to benefit from the experience of giving yourself a gift and enjoying time with your self. It doesn’t have to be long, could just be a walk to the dollar store to buy stickers to put on your schedule book, or a 5 min skip down the street while listening to your favorite music. You pick, schedule it, or do it now.

Happy Valentines month and Shivaratri!

Boyfriend Replacement?

Uh-oh, am I replacing not having a boy-friend with having guy-friends…?
When I decided to take this time off of relationships, sex and “looking”, I didn’t know what I was going to learn, or that I was going to learn anything at all. I just thought it was a break. As I move along in my conscious celibacy, I am realizing many reasons why I am taking this time in my life right now. First I am feeling truthful with myself in all areas of my life. Area’s which I was ignoring and “just getting by”, or distracted with fantasy, are coming into the light. Such as, the way I spend money and my relationship to it. I am auditing myself, cleaning house, and it feels good. It’s also tiring, and I’m practicing lot’s of snoozing and napping while I’m processing. I feel when we are healing BIG issues, more sleep is required.
Secondly, during this period of celibacy, I’m feeling liberated. I don’t feel charge in that area, in other words, I am not horny. And, I’m learning to say “no” in many areas.

Last night, we were celebrating a friends birthday at Cafe Gratitude, and a “guy-friend” showed up. One of my closest friends had not this “guy-friend” yet, but I had spoke of him a couple of times. This GF and myself have been doing business together, I’m helping him and he’s helping me, and we’ve been hanging out working and having fun together. It was innocent, mostly. I say mostly, because I know initially I had an attraction to him, and he to me. We’ve spoken about it honestly, nothing heavy, just light and easy. We’ve been like two young teenagers, and even laid together on the couch, just being together and talking. Sounds like cuddling, but it felt brotherly, innocent, and since I have no charge, it was natural.

Well, my girl-friend did what great friends do, she “called me out” and questioned the relationship with this “guy-friend”. She waited until he was gone from the party, and immediately said “So, who is he? He’s your new boyfriend?” I answered with a big “nooooooo…..” She responded with “He’s great, good-looking, funny and he’s totally into you…” I came back with a “we’re just friends, hanging out…we’ve talked about it, and even innocently cuddled…” She said “I am hearing a ‘we’ in that sentence and seems to me you’re hanging out, getting all the same support, attention, admiration that you would get from a boyfriend…but no sex…I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’…”

This made me think to write and sharing it as I work out the truth around it. Helps me to be more honest with myself if I have others to share with.
I do think there is validity to what she said. Maybe having a guy-friend is a replacement for a boy-friend – except, poor guy, doesn’t “get any”. Not fair to him!

Ok, inner verdict is in, it’s true – I think I am “using” him as a (slight) replacement right now…But I have to say, I’m giving myself a break here. I have been doing so much work on myself and it would be easy enough to say I am yet again doing something wrong, and at the same time I am changing so much that I need to just have a break! In my sweet self-parenting, I give myself the advice and guidance to have a conversation with him. That said, I can certainly more aware of not leading him (or anyone else) on into deeper feelings for me…

He and I have joked about him being mentioned in my blog, and here it is…

I’m committed to being in integrity as much as possible, and I will say this…I am interested in being friends only, without the possibility of anything else, because that’s what I’m practicing right now. I don’t even want to think about it. I know he has a crush and may have his own patterns of chasing after/waiting/interested in someone who is not available.

I do not want to lead anyone on right now in believing we’ll be together (eventually). I’m not with anyone but God and  practicing what it is like to be liberated in the abstinence. I did enjoy the bonus in having support from him, but there is also the other side of it; i’m still “getting something” from the attention, company, and attraction he has for me. I’m being fed in someway.

Though, It has been really exciting staying strong even when someone else is attracted to me. Not saying that I don’t find him attractive, because I do. But, I have been realizing that I have always gone for guys who chose me. I was of course attracted to them, yes, but there was also an inner voice I was ignoring. That voice would say things like; “he’s not a good match for me”, or “that personality trait may not be the best for me in the long-run” or “we should just be friends…” I ignored that voice of my inner truth. I’d listen to their truth, and take it as my own. I am always taken with people who are convicted in their words, and speech. They believe so much in me that I’ve gone with their belief, not my own. Well, I’m listening now and taking note. Saying “no” to what I don’t want, and making space for what I do want.

Saying “no” with a sweet vulnerability, is my goal.

To keep things clean and clear on my part, I will be more aware of how I may lure him (or anyone else) in to be with me. And, at the same time practicing compassionate yet firm self-parenting with myself.

Celibate Guy Friend Interview

I interviewed my new Celibate Guy Friend (CGF). It was an hour long conversation, and have edited it down for convenience.
CGF is 33 years old, and here’s what we talked about…

Me – What does Celibacy mean to you?

CGF – Initially celibacy meant restrictions or resistance in regards to sex, but now it has shifted to anything regards to trying to get something from someone: getting a phone number, going on dates. I was advised by my spiritual teacher to take a “left instead of right”. I have always taken a “right” and was looking for women to be with “in a special way”. I didn’t like the word and my teacher didn’t use the word celibacy. He said “why don’t you try putting that down for a second, and see what that feels like…”
I’m reading a book right now called “Special Relationships”, and it says that if love is real, there is no specialness around it, no special woman with whom I am to give a special love to.

Me – Do you feel that because we’re diving in the opposite direction, we are removing ourselves from love and being shut down and staying clear of commitment, keeping yourself safe?

CGF – Do you mean ‘am I trying to fill this hole in myself, and is there a “fix” in doing that…?’ Right now in my own journey it goes much deeper than that. I believe it is ALL God, or essence, or universe (whatever you call it, I call it God), there is a oneness that permeates all of life and the ego is separate.  In order for the ego to sustain we fixate on the idea that we are separate from God, but in reality I never left home (God).
When I was in relationships, I would feel THAT was my God and I would make that my “home”.
I believe there is a way I/we can remove the ego and feel the oneness and can connect with a woman in that oneness and pure and raw and real. Up until now, I had thought a relationship was what I had read about when I was a kid. It was fantasy. Now, Celibacy means Love is not special it just is.
I am not engaging with women in the same way anymore. There are all those feelings that still come up, but I am able to BE with them in a different way now.

Me – How long have you been celibate?

CGF – you mean how many times have I attempted to be celibate?
My personal path has been a pretty disruptive path. I’ve had a lot of sexual experiences. I don’t shame myself. I was in a mind-set that was cut off from God, and the ego feeds off of shame, fear etc.
7 years ago I committed to start looking at my life and my behaviors. I could see that I wanted to choose something else. I could see my path was destructive and I was on an unconscious road. I wanted to wake up…

Me – did you have help from any of the women or teachers in your life that said something to you about your behavior? Helping you bring your consciousness to another level…?

CG – I have been sober for over 7 years, and had started reading different spiritual books – Ekar Tolle, Peony Melody, Shakti Gawain. I started opening up my mind and seeing differently. That furthered my insight and I started understanding my behaviors. And, Unfortunately I have journeyed through those alone. I say unfortunately because one of the thoughts or beliefs that I tell myself is that I could only learn through pain and suffering. It’s through our own identification with ego that makes us create these ways to learn. I continued to learn through the obstacles.
I had teachers for the past 7 years…my sponsor for sobriety, my friends…etc…
There is a breaking point for everyone, weather you’re an alcoholic and you kill yourself, there will be a point where you’ll hit the bottom. Everyone’s breaking point is different. You can’t continue to choose unconsciousness when your essence is consciousness. I just finally came to the point where I saw that I cannot fight the darkness anymore, and realized that the light comes in quick because it never left. The only reason it was dark was because I resisted it.
My personal choice of spiritual practice right now is “A Course of Miracles” – and I am reminded that if God is reality and God can’t not be reality, then everything outside of God is not reality, therefore it doesn’t exist.

Getting back to celibacy. I’d say it’s been about 3-4 years where I’ve been consciously aware of my thoughts around sex….
Where as before when I just found sobriety, I wanted to renounce everything, all women, relationships etc, and it came from a negative, “shun the world” kind of place. When I announced “I was done with that” – it was doomed to failure. I don’t think that choosing from fear and ego works. 4 years ago, my sexual and dating behaviors got to place where it was gross! I was a taker and inauthentic, and I first thought 90 days was a good goal, but, cut to –two weeks later….It didn’t last. I have had a couple of attempts at setting dates but I never lasted to the goal dates.
I personally live in a matrix and I feel I’m living in a dream world and the ego is running shit and I think I’m in charge, and then next comes in hot lady who wants to get to know me.  Some people would call that random, but I call that ego – the way to get me stuck back in.
So that happened a few times. Until early November…this time it wasn’t something I told myself I needed to do, It was something I wanted to do. I was having an hour-long conversation with my teacher, and I was suffering and sharing about dating a great girl. But I knew there was something missing. I just felt like it was something I was doing because that’s what we’re “supposed to do”.
That was two months ago.

Me – What is your personal belief around the ego? Is there anything positive about the ego?

CGF – NO. The Ego’s job is to make you think it has something good to offer you. But it doesn’t.

Me – So you want to “annihilate” the ego?

CG – from my spiritual practice, the Course of Miracles…from the thought of being separate from God, in that second of separateness, the Ego was created. God is not half and half; everything outside of God is Ego. God is oneness, Ego is separateness. It’s anything outside of love.
You can either choose God in any moment, or you can choose ego. Some people call it the devil, or fear, I call it ego. I don’t’ really seek to annihilate the ego but I do seek to be with God.

Me: Do you feel that relationship is possible? An a egoless relationship is possible?

CG – Yes, I think it is possible. In the course of Miracles, either the ego is present or it isn’t. I don’t consider the ego bad. I just think that God is truth.
The ego is running things and I know right now I am not awake. To be on the path of awakening is not the same as being awake, there is a difference. I am practicing to become awaken.
My goal is to be completely focused and committed to God, then Ego can’t exist.
I do believe it’s possible in relationship to be God focused and not ego focused. If I’m really free and trust the essence of God, then I know that I will be fulfilled in every way.

Me: have you done any practices of the tantric or Taoists sexual exploration with anyone?

CGF– No.

Me -  … Just a thought to share with you….Men learning about “injaculation” for their health and gaining energy every time they orgasm, instead of loose their life-force every-time they ejaculate is another way to become more conscious with sex and your body. It also changes the way you relate to and see women.

What is your spiritual path?

CGF – I don’t really have a path. If I did have a path, it would be truth. I don’t believe there are 50 truths. I’m still a young student in the Course of Miracles to speak about it accurately…But I do believe there is just one truth.

Me – love….

CGF – yes, God is love. I just let go of what that’s going to look like.

Me – If you were to make a goal with your celibacy right now, what would it be? I know it’s tricky because the ego wants to know the goal and create it in the first place, although I feel my higher-self created this goal for me, maybe it was my ego

CG – it’s hard for me to answer that because my goal is truth. I was sitting with a friend the other day, and this friend always says “ there’s nothing to work on, nothing to fix, nothing to get….You’re already flawless, you are love, and God is incomplete without me…” and so when I think of the goal of celibacy I have none. It is just something I’m trying. I can’t say what it should look like, except true love. So I can’t make a goal other than waking up from the matrix…
But knowing that ego is present, and the average human is letting the ego run the show. If I had a goal for this celibacy, it would be to help each woman to wake up to their own truth, get home to God, and how I can serve them as best as possible for their life. Just to be giving without taking. I have nothing to get – and, not with just women, but with everyone.

Me: I feel amazing with the relationships I’m having with men. I feel like I’m going back to a time where it wasn’t about getting something from men, now it’s just being with men. I am making incredible friends, filled with truth and honesty, love and respect.

CGF – I want to have the same love, same care with everyone. I don’t’ want to have a special love with one person. What I believe is that everyone is love.
My teacher hasn’t been in a relationship in 10 years. He is totally content.

Me – I didn’t believe there was great benefit from practicing celibacy. Now I am in the experience of being more vulnerable and authentic with everyone. It’s not that I believe everyone should do it, but I do feel the great benefit…

CGF – It’s not about being celibacy, it’s about being the best human I can possibly be. For me, in my personal relationships with women, I couldn’t have friends that were women…I had at least a thought of having sex with them…But now, I am able to be friends. Now, my girlfriend’s say they feel so safe hugging me.

Me and CGF – We are both so grateful for the conversation…

It was a pleasure to meet with such a sweet soul on a path to being his true self and being authentic in all areas of his life. Was great to learn about this path…I am inspired and feel supported to know others are practicing this and getting great benefit.
Power to the Celibates ☺

Questioning my Celibacy

This time of conscious-celibacy feels like the best thing I’ve done for myself. I am having a moment of gratitude for learning more truth within myself. Somethings are becoming clear to me: In the past ten years, I have been questioning whether I want to take the path of marriage and kids. The biology of my body has been doing it’s thing, and I have been clear that my body is not my soul. I have been inauthenically hard set against it, not because I don’t love babies and children, because I absolutely do, but there was a rebellion against the voice of society and my ancestors. There was one more element I know was on the side of “no” and that was my unhealed wounds about my own childhood which really made me fear about bringing anyone else into this world. Now, I have resolved some of those past fears and emotions. And now, in this space, I ask myself the question about procreation, and am certain that it is not a huge priority for me to have kids of my own. I am not dead-set against it, but it is not a main focus or purpose when I am making choices for my future. I do, however welcome wonderful partnership(s). One Fabulous partnership would be nice, and if God/Goddess have a few incredible, wonderful men to come, then I welcome that also. I am not attached to that concept of a Life-partner, although I have seen it with others, and it is beautiful. I’ll clarify; I am open to and welcome one master-ultimate relationship which will be long-lasting and fulfilling in all ways – and, I’m not attached to it if it is not my destiny-path.

Last night, I was part of a great conversation about celibacy, dating and relationships. I was with a girl friend, and a new friend we met. He is also celibate. Another one?! Yes! I must be attracting the like, because I’ve never heard of “normal” people practicing celibacy that are not yogi’s in an ashram. Well, I’m not sure how normal we are, but I found commonality with the goal to be as conscious in our lives and awakened to our true self, as we walk it authentically.
I’m going to interview him this week…stay posted for that…

We were talking about how ego gets in the way of us seeing with true eyes in relationships, or speaking with our true hearts as things come up in the relational dynamics. Ego is the part of us that is protecting us from getting hurt, it’s fueled by fear, so it doesn’t see or hear the authentic truth, nor does it want to speak it. It is afraid and ruled by our past wounds.
I know for me I’m not the greatest communicator when it comes to saying what’s really going on for me. In the past, I have gotten angry first, and been stuck on the surface, but underneath I was afraid of being abandoned and other related fears. I couldn’t get to the truth.

Right now, my questioning of the celibacy is not because I’m feeling desperate or anxious about it (anymore), I’m just diving in deeper with questions about the past fears I have had about being abandoned, or not “enough”, and realizing that alot of the issues that have come up in my relationship “incompatibility’s” were caused by my inner fears of being “left.” These fears are from childhood, past life, and ancestral prophesy’s that I have been living. The questioning is; if I am taking this time off – will I be able to bring in these new developments in my understanding of myself in relationships while I’m not in one? Does it take practice when I make the realization? Or will it set in and I’ll be ready for these as they come up in future relationships? I guess I am in many relationships and many places to practice these truths will come up as they do.

I believe that getting in touch with these inner fears will help my relationships be more authentic and being honest about them will create expansions of love. Where there was confused emotions before, there will be understanding and deepening of the union. I’m going to try it with all my relationships.

Home Alone for the Holidays

I am home this year for the holidays. My home in Los Angeles, that is, and no family is coming this year. I usually go to Montreal or Toronto to be with family, but this year I didn’t make it back there. Once reason was that I just went for my brothers wedding last month and going twice to the eastern side of Canada didn’t appeal to my traveling body. And the other thing is that Christmas flight prices are not so merry or jolly!
But, don’t worry about me – I have a very good friend flying in with her hubby on x-mas early evening and have plans to hang with another very good friend and her family in the morning, so I am surrounded with love.

I do, however, feel like I’m on vacation. I have been napping every day for the past few, watching lot’s of movies and taking it really easy. The funny thing is that when I go home (Canada) for the holidays, I usually end up being really tired, and doing the same – nothing! I think it’s just the season, not the jet lag I’ve been affected by in previous years. I’m giving myself full permission to let my body/mind/spirit guide me on what I want to do. And, not do.

My mom called me as I was just feeling a nap coming on. She is a talker, a non-stop talker, even when she asks me something – she answers it for herself, and keeps on talking. Goddess bless her, I just listen and give her space, and try not to react or change her (anymore).
She started talking about how she just took a long nap, and had gone for a walk today, and is spending the day and evening today (x-mas eve) alone. She has plans tomorrow to hang with family. As she was saying all this, I was check marking all the sameness in my holiday plans; 1. Naps, check, I was just about to. 2. Walk , check, I had just gone for one. 3. Evening alone, check. 4. Plans tomorrow, check.
I’m not sure what it means, but it made me feel a certain way. Like, am I turning into my mom? Or worse, am I exactly the same now?

We all have fears of becoming our parents, especially if they come from a tradition and generation that is not as progressive as we are today. It made me fear that I am living in the same way my mom is and our patterns are the same.

I love my mom, but I don’t want to follow in her footsteps. I am looking at all areas now, and seeing if there is any truth to this reaction. My mother did give up on men and relationships at an early age, shortly after my parents split up. That was a long time ago. Her answer to that now is “I don’t need a man, and don’t want one, I am too old for that…” I think traditionally she may have guilt around it, but I am not the therapist, I am the daughter.

Being celibate, I see the similarity right now on having “given up” in a certain sense since I’m “fasting” off of men, intimacy and relationships. BUT – I am only doing it for a little over a year. I’m halfway there, and know I will not want to “give up” for good, only a short period of time while I gather my energy, build myself in certain ways, and then come into relationships with fullness and wholeness of myself, intact with my higher-self/true-self leading the way.

Having had this time off, I see my patterns clearer. I have relationships, and every two years or so it changes and it ends. I know some of it has to do with choosing wisely with discernment in the beginning, and not listening to that voice that tells me “maybe he’s better as a friend…” I’m realizing now that I have debated with that voice inside me. I even argue with my inner self. These are the things I am re-adjusting with myself, and listening in this time period of a year of being celibate.

I have been tested a few times in the past month or so. I have had a chemistry-filled interaction with someone who is an acquaintance and felt strongly that I wanted to get to know better. My same pattern of thinking stepped in, and I was on my way to planning how we would work the last half of my celibacy. I started thinking of ways that it would be ok to cuddle right now, then kiss in a couple of months and then wait until my date of July 3rd. This was fantasy, addiction-mode to the max. I sobered up really quick, and talked it out with a friend. When I heard myself say these things, I understood what I was doing. It was like something was taking me over, another part of me who was desperate to be loved, held and intimately connected.

I’ve gotten through the hump, pardon my pun. I am still in full integrity with my celibacy. Did not fall off the wagon, at all.

I do want to come clean about something – I’ve been celibate for about six months. I know I wrote 6 months a couple months ago, but I realized I’m counting all encounters, including kissing (making-out)…so honestly, it’s only been 6 months. And I say proudly, “It’s been 6 months!”
I’m getting in touch with integrity, and being blindly honest with myself, and lot’s is coming into my awareness about things I’ve been foggy about in the past. Along that theme, I’ve been cleaning house, and tonight’s project is ‘desk organization’ and book-keeping to get ready to do my taxes. This is my x-mas eve plans, and I’m actually really excited about it. I know how I felt when I cleaned out my cupboard a couple of weeks ago, so this will be great! I just read that it is New Moon in Capricorn, which I feel exactly aligned with. Here’s what I read from my Milagro newsletter:

“Today’s New Moon in practical, worldly Capricorn is a perfect conduit for any of our long-term planning and goal-setting. Ideally, Capricorn energy infuses us with extra capacity to function in a structured environment in a more disciplined manner.
One of Capricorn’s “lessons” is acceptance of the concept that reasonable boundaries and rules actually do offer us freedom from chaos. Creating opportunity to invite more order and make important changes in our lives.”

I am going to add ‘goal-setting’ to my evenings plans!

Happy Holidays to you, and may you be blessed with naps, walks, and family love.

Simrit Kaur, Wedding dance and Worm castings

I just got back from Encinitas where I stayed for the weekend while I was teaching/playing in San Diego. On Saturday I co-lead a class with Laura Plumb and then in the evening opened up for a concert with Simrit Kaur, a wonderful yogini, singer, performer. The chemistry was really beautiful on Saturday night as I arrived and entered the greenroom to be with Simrit Kaur and her family. It was a sweet connection right away. We were dressed in our normal attire, and didn’t know it then, but we were preparing to rock the evening.
I was on first, and chose to be on the dance floor (instead of the stage) with everyone to get us all warmed up. It was cold in the World Beat Center and warming up was what I needed, that’s for sure. I didn’t even want to take off my winter coat or boots. Once those lights go on, and my name was announced, I forget about the cold in an instant. As I lead us into warmth and celebration, using themes of solstice and New Years, we used the dance, sound vibrations and expressions to let go of 2011 (any struggles we went through) and welcome in the new light of 2012. The sweet Simrit Kaur came to celebrate and dance with us also. I was inspired by her grace.

Then she and her amazing band played and I was blown away with their inspiring grooves. I danced the whole night. Thanks to all the angels and God who brought the gift of that evening together for us.

I really love Encinitas, and I learned that Encinitas has the most yoga studios per capita in the whole world. There is a sweet yoga community and great farmers market on Sunday mornings. I bought worm castings for my plants, and am so excited to play in poop tomorrow.

A month ago I danced at my baby brothers wedding. I finally got the dance on film and got to see what I did. I couldn’t remember anything when I performed it. I am surprised by the same nervousness I felt at the time of performance as watching it now. It’s like the sense memory of the song and dance came up as I’m watching it on my screen. The song is by Kailash Kher, called Dilruba…I do feel excited to share it with you all. I love that my bro and his wife are sitting in a throne as I dance for them. The filming was beautifully shot, thanks to ‘A Dream World Studio’ check it out here.

Don’t get too comfortable!

After coming home from the Yoga and Dance Training Immersion in Joshua Tree last weekend, I wanted to relax for a couple of days to give myself a break. When I exert myself in days of physical practice, I like to take a couple of days off of any exercise except a little walk or gentle hike. Relaxing can be addictive, so my two days turned into 4 and I wasn’t aware as to why I was feeling stuck, my mood was irritable and I was plain ol’ grumpy!

I woke up to this awareness.

I didn’t delay a moment longer, I practiced an hour of one of my signature classes which infuses Yoga, dance, breath-work and meditation, Bollywood Vinyasa. I lead myself into a strong practice, and started feeling joyful almost immediately. I noticed openings in my body, these feel like real pathways for joy to shine. My frown turned upside down.

From now on I am committed to motivating myself in movement everyday! To shake up any stagnant energy in the body, and feel free again and again and again. It’s like coming home to my higher-self every time. I feel grounded, connected and intimate with the world.
This little glimpse is my definition of enlightenment: being, speaking and reflecting my higher-self in all ways.

An amazing bonus to this practice is that it helps digestion: the movement of energy creates clearing and detoxification. Digestion, of old things that have been held in the body, mind and heart. Not just food, but life experiences, events and situations which we haven’t fully processed or digested maybe because it was too difficult to face those emotions, or maybe because we weren’t in touch with them. In my experience and the words of my ayurvedic doctor “Digestion is key to radiant health.”

After I got the energy moving again, I became motivated to work on a closet that needed attention since I moved in months ago. It was one of those places where I stick various papers, books, misc whenever cleaning up really fast. It’s the place where all things went in, but never came out…the cupboard that was the abyss. I’ve always had a drawer like this in my kitchen, but a whole cupboard was weighing heavy on me. It was alot of business related and creative things in there. Come to think of it, I feel a distinct difference in how I am flowing with ease and creativity now versus when the abyss was eating up whatever entered it. Now, I feel lighter, excited (instead of anxious), and the cupboard itself looks smaller (from the outside, which is odd).

I wish I took before pics so you could see how extraordinary this change really is. Labels and everything!

Organization helped to open energies in my body: pathways to en-lighten myself. These are the concepts that Feung sui and Vastu are based.

This feeling is similar to me taking this time off with celibacy. I am finding more focus, strength, clearer boundaries and am channeling that powerful energy for creative endeavors. Feels empowering! 7.5 months to go…I am discipline, I am strong, I am going crazy with desire some times – but mostly learning great boundaries, making good friends and allowing fantasies to fizzle. I can do this!!!

I became too comfortable with relaxation and the messy cupboard, and I forgot for a moment what those things are that bring me back into my higher-self, feeling alive & present and living fully. I forgot in a few days even when I was immersed in it 24/4 in the training program. I guess that’s why they call it a “practice”, because we must remember whenever we forget and get back to it, because, we know it works!

________________________________________________________________________________

Personal request: I am trying to build my “platform”, and I know alot of you read this blog (maybe from FB, Twitter, Linked In), but are not subscribers yet. If you feel comfortable with becoming a subscriber, please click the “+Foll0w” button. Then you will receive a email directly to your inbox every time I post (which is only about 1-2 times a week). It would really help me…Thank you in advance for your support. Love, Hemalayaa

I like being O.C.D

Blogging is interesting. Who am I talking to? It feels like my inner-self, but then I’m sharing with whoever is interested in reading? It’s like a public journal. I was pondering these thoughts today as I drove around LA, getting things organized for the Yoga and Dance Immersion which starts this Thursday.
I was thinking about this ‘Blogging thing’…because I notice I say “I’m going to blog about that…” or “Oh, that would be great to blog about…”
Like yesterday I was talking to a friend about children and how much that would change my life, and I was joking and saying I’m too O.C.D to have kids, (even though I love them.) Then said “I like being O.C.D…I like being overly tidy…and washing my hands often…I like being particular about how I like things…” Laughing, I said “I’d like to blog about this…” There’s something about “blogging” that gives me a satisfaction or maybe it feels like I discuss it with someone. Or, it could be the entertainment value it creates.

This O.C.D – Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or I like to the excuse of being an over-achiever, or a perfectionist, or maybe i’m just particular in the way I like things done, whatever it is, I like being this way. How I became this way? I have no idea. I know there was a time I was much more easy-going, and a ‘go-with-the-flow’ person.

What is it about obsessing over being clean enough, and germ-free? What am I afraid of? What is the deeper meaning of this blog post? Or, am I just rambling on and on so I can be heard, acknowledged, validated somehow?

Probably…

I wonder if we can create what we are O.C.D with…? Wouldn’t it come in handy when you need to focus on something in order to perfect it. Like music, or writing, etc… Also, practicing meditation and breathing exercises everyday. This week, I saw a wonderful ayurvedic doctor, Dr. Jay, and he reminded me that the key to a healthy mind is to practice breathing exercises everyday, preferably balancing ones like Nadi Shodhana (alternate nastral breathing), Sitkari (teeth hissing) and Sitali (cooling Breath), which we will be practicing everyday in our morning sadhana (spiritual practice) for our Immersion this weekend.
Glad I’m writing this, because I forgot today’s set. Another reason Blogging is great!

The last blog I wrote, about the Celibate-Cop-Ghost experience, was very insightful. When I wrote it, I didn’t know I’d have such great discussions and support. Nothing like a horror story to bring out the conversations. Speaking of horrors, I found out that mostly women go to watch horror movies, way more than men. I think I understand why. When I got scared in that experience last week, it aroused me more than I had been in a while. There’s a fine line between fear/anxiety and arousal. Well it makes sense since there are those times where role-play comes into the bedroom and some of those more fear or anxiety fantasies cause the juices to flow a little more than usual. The juices I’m referring to are; adrenaline and blood through the heart-pumping faster. Wink-wink.
I had a response from someone who said “it was not a ghost, it was a sex-dream…” and I was “just a horny 40 year old woman who needs a man…” it triggered me at first because I thought I don’t “NEED” a man! But the reality is I am a horny 38 year old (please don’t push me to 40 yet, I’m not ready!), and I do desire a man. For now, I am committed to doing “my time” (this one year of celibacy), and will do it, with my special O.C.D Skills!
BUT, I am realizing that I am in a place of stagnancy with my intimacy growth. I guess we can’t necessarily learn about intimacy all on our own. There has been a feeling lately to BE with someone, be held, hang out with a man, have intimate conversations, learn more about love, life and relationship. I have been hanging out with men-friends, and have created some nice (innocent) relationships over the past 6 months. Business and personal, I go out for lunches, walks, chats on Facebook etc.
I have the desire right now to sit on the couch with someone, be held and caress. I’m not sure if I should change my boundaries around this type of hanging out, or if I’m just having a moment of freaking out.

It’s funny, I’ve been giving a friend advise about taking some time off after her break-up, and expressing how much I really like what I’m doing and maybe could go for longer than a year. I felt strong, committed and convinced her that this was a great path. I believed it…
Well, that was yesterday, and today I want to snuggle and play footsies with my man.

I’m changing the acronym for O.C.D to: Open, Connected & Drama-Free !

I’m going to Open my heart and mind with some breathing exercises and go to sleep so I can be well rested for my travel to Joshua Tree Retreat center tomorrow…and Connect with my own ‘inner-man’, Drama-Free…I’m done “blogging” for now…

________________________________________________________________________________

Personal request: I am trying to build my “platform”, and I know alot of you read this blog (maybe from FB, Twitter, Linked In), but are not subscribers yet. If you feel comfortable with becoming a subscriber, please click the “+Foll0w” button. Then you will receive a email directly to your inbox every time I post (which is only about 1-2 times a week). It would really help me…Thank you in advance for your support. Love, Hemalayaa

 

Celibacy-Cop-Ghost

I’m exactly half way to my goal of a year without a intimate relationship (I’m not dating, or looking right now) and I’m celibate, old school yogi-style. Six months ago, I started the ‘Kirtan Kriya’ meditation exercise which I chanted “SAT A NAM A” for 31 minutes everyday. I am proud to say I did not miss one day. It was only supposed to be 3 months, and I felt it was supportive for my “pattern interrupt”, so I decided to do 6 months.

The weirdest thing happened on this evening. I don’t think it had anything to do with the completion of this goal, but it was very strange. I was exhausted, due to jet-lag, getting back from my bro’s wedding. Before I went to sleep, I did my last meditation at 9 pm, and after, as I was falling asleep, wondered what I would replace that 1/2 hour I created everyday for the past 6 months. I decided I would write everyday for 30 minutes at least, and make that my next meditation. Little did I know that this night would give me something to write about.
I was asleep pretty fast. In the middle of the night, I woke up, didn’t know why. As I was falling back asleep and was in that “middle phase” between sleep and full consciousness I felt the presence of something. This ‘something’ started pushing on to my bed around my body. Scared, I thought to myself am I imagining this…?

I immediately knew it was a ghost, a spirit. I’ve had ghost incidences before that wake me up, like when I was in New York last year and stayed in a very old building, and I had a visitor sit on the bed. And another incident when I moved into this guest house I live in. It’s an old property and I have been told that there is alot of spirit traffic that goes in and out of this place, like a porthole. That first night I moved in I figured these entities/energies were just coming to check me out since I was ‘the new kid on the block’, but they haven’t come again until tonight.

I was lying in middle of my bed, as I like to sleep, and cozily tucked in under all the blankets on this cold evening. This being/entity was pushing, what felt like hands, into the bed right beside my body. The indents of the bed were causing my body to physically move from side to side very slowly. It was heavy whatever or whoever it was. It was creepy and I was scared. I tried to scream, nothing came out, I felt paralyzed and couldn’t move either. The more conscious I got, the less he/it moved. It’s almost like he/it was waiting for me to sleep or go back into that “middle phase.” As I did go back to that state, I became aroused. I wasn’t fully conscious, but think I could feel something/someone (faceless/headless) making love with me, and I had a climactic moment. I was embarrassed, then came to full consciousness again, realized what was going on, and screamed! Hardly anything came out. I whispered “Archangel Micheal, please come and help me…” and then started chanting a mantra to Nashringha (half lion, half man), protector. As soon as I did, the being/entity went away. I thought I should get up and light some sage, but was too paralyzed and exhausted, so I went back to sleep, and was surprisingly, peacefully sleeping all night. I felt safe again, and knew that angels were protecting me now.

Even though I was scared I knew it wasn’t a harmful being, especially because when I told it to go away, it did. I have asked it not to come back. And trust it won’t.

I know this sounds crazy, but I know it was real. A ghost or whatever it was had sex with me…? Maybe it was a “celibacy-cop-ghost”…? His mission: Taking down all those who are not “doing” it in the human world…Laughing…Joking…

Seriously though, everything is energy and this energy must be lost or trying to find it’s way, and I guess my boundaries are not that good and strong if he broke my celibacy. Hey, does this count? I don’t even know what he/it looked like, and I was not in full consciousness. I guess this is what people feel when they’ve had too much to drink and make decisions under the influence.
I believe in reincarnation, so maybe this soul and myself have had energetic exchange before? Or maybe it was my 6 month completion to the meditation, Bonus?

I’m not sure what to make of it, and was hesitant to write about it, because it’s so weird. Another thought was writing to bring some clarity or light to this event/situation/whatever it was…

Next day, I burned sage to cleanse the space, my bed and my body. I really didn’t remember until I sat at my altar for my morning prayers. As soon as I sat down, I got right back up, lit the sage and walked around my guest house chanting to Ganesh and Nashringha to bring protective energy into it. I shook my body and vibrated, made some sounds to let loose anything from the incident and fear…and now feel “back to normal” again.

The breathing helped to calm me down from the fear I felt. In moments like these I feel so grateful for my yoga practice which reminds me that the breath is the most important thing. Nice long, deep breaths…

________________________________________________________________________________

Personal request: I am trying to build my “platform”, and I know alot of you read this blog (maybe from FB, Twitter, Linked In), but are not subscribers yet. If you feel comfortable with becoming a subscriber, please click the “+Foll0w” button. Then you will receive a email directly to your inbox every time I post (which is only about 1-2 times a week). It would really help me…Thank you in advance for your support. Love, Hemalayaa

Beautiful Indian Wedding

The Indian culture is so rich with all the traditions and rituals, especially at wedding time. The marriage between two Indians is a BIG celebration for the parents. I think the mothers are more excited than anyone. This past weekend we were in preparation and celebration of my baby bro’s wedding.

He and his beautiful fiance asked if I’d be one of the MC’s (master of ceremonies) for their wedding evening party. I was initially very nervous, and then frightened even more when I agreed to do a dance for them. It’s tradition to have dancers at a wedding party as an offering to the guests, and mainly the bride and groom. My father asked me to do it and I was up for the challenge. Once I breathed into it, I was excited more than nervous. The the song I chose was inspiring and I was excited to share my gift.

Her mom begins the ceremony

I left early Thursday morning, arrived in the evening EST, we went straight to the hotel, I threw on my outfit and we arrived to the brides home with her 50 or 80 guests to do the mendhi (henna) ceremony. It was all girls, and the bride had to look her shabbiest on this evening.  We sit her down on a stool, and women smear a paste made out of turmeric and sandalwood to cleanse her before she steps into this next phase of her life. Her mom, sisters, aunties and cousins all took turns putting the paste on her arms and legs as she sat under a beautiful cloth (like a canopy), corners held by her sisters and cousins. There was a beautiful design on the floor in front of her that her sisters made with chopped up mint, turmeric powder, and other Indian spices. This ceremony signifies the bride getting blessings from her family and being purified and protected from any negative energies.

this is all made with spices, herbs and leaves. After, the mom mixes it all up, puts her hands into it and pastes a hand mark on a white bristol board.

Then after all had blessed her, the elder ladies sang songs A Capella and we all danced gidha style. Gidha is the folk dance of Punjab and is performed by ladies.

My henna hands

The next night it was my brother’s turn to be cleansed and blessed before his big day. He sat in his shabby clothes, while us, his sisters and aunties, held the beautiful colored Indian fabric above him while everyone, one by one, came to smear the paste on him. My family and his best friends weren’t as elegant as the brides. His face and arms and feet were completely covered with this dough like paste. We were a little more hard-core. He immediately went to shower it off to ensure no break-outs on his big day.

bro gets pasted/blessed

The next morning was the wedding ceremony and the photo shoot begins. We all got ready and came downstairs to the lobby of hotel for pictures with the groom before we left for the Gurdwara (Sikh temple). There were more photographers and video-graphers than on a movie set. But that’s how we like to do it. Capture it all, which I appreciate, because I was too busy to take pics.

Once the first photo shoot was over, we got into the limo with my brother, sister, some cousins and a couple of aunties.  We were waited upon by a Dhol player who was ready to chant some bhangra before we entered the Gurdwara. He sang and played “Bari barsi khatan gaya si khat ke liyandi …” which means something arbitrary, but is a cute little poem that say’s ‘I was away working for a dozen years, and I brought home a…’ …then he fills in the blank with a word that rhymes with the person he’s going to be calling forward to dance: Like “Kyo” (ghee), rhymes with Pyo (father).  Then the boli (song) goes into different family members, like the grooms father, mother, then sisters, brothers, uncles and aunties…etc, until all of us have danced with the live dhol…
…when that was over, we walked, skipped and danced our way to the temple to greet the brides family.

“The Milnie” – meeting of the families, all the men of both sides meet each other.  I was not impressed that this tradition does not include the women…ah, what to to do in these tradition where men were “in charge”? ‘Were’, being the key word there!

We still have not seen the bride yet. Now, we go to the temple room where we will wait for the bride to arrive. We all sit and place my brother in front of the Gurugrant sahib (the Sikh holy book), while the musicians are playing kirtan or sikh shabads. Then the bride enters, and we are all in awe, she is stunning with the most extraordinary attire, regal like a queen. Absolutely breathe-taking! She sits.

The Paih (translation: Man, but in this case referring to the man of ceremony) explains to us that the bride and groom will walk around the book 4 times, each time sitting and then getting up, she is greeted by her brothers at every corner of the walk. The father of the bride takes the scarf around my brothers neck and places one end of it into the Brides had (and I see her hold on to it tight), and the other end goes around my brothers shoulder into his lap and hand where he holds it. They are now bonded, and cannot let go of this until the ceremony is complete.

They begin the four walks with prayers in between. On the fourth one I greet her back into place from her last brother into the place beside my brother, signifying she is welcomed into our family.

Then they sit there for about an hour or so longer while everyone offers them their blessing of money into their laps. My poor bro and new sis, are not used to sitting in a yogic position for so long. I was trying to lean my knee into my brothers back so he could rest a bit, but then when this offering started, I had to move aside. Poor non-Yogi…

Gorgeous Bride and Groom

The evening was the part where I was nervous, because I was to co-MC (master of ceremony) for the beginning of the party, and dance for the performance portion of it. I had done my prayers and meditation that morning and really asked for the angels to come through and dance as a healing for us all.

There was so much to heal…my parents met for the first time in 24 years. There’s been lot’s of time, but not a lot of forgiveness. I think the healing happened by the end of the weekend which was a huge blessing. Angels to the rescue…!

About my dance, I remember the very beginning of it, and the very end, and nothing in between. It was like I was in a trance and my heart was the one leading. I have been teaching this in my classes, but it was the first time I had experienced that in a “performance” type situation. It was like I was channeling love and it was pouring through my movements. This is exactly what my family said to me after they gave me a standing ovation. It was incredible to be received like this from my family, whom I thought would ‘not get it’. I felt accepted, seen and embraced. It was like all my childhood “needs” were being met, and the cool thing is that I had already filled myself (with God’s Love), so it wasn’t a “need” anymore, it was a gift. The dance can be seen here.

There was family I hadn’t seen in a very long time because we lost touch and had old “things” between us, and this weekend was full of forgiveness and gratitude for the wonderful connection and laughter we shared.

Weddings bring out the love.

first dance of the married couple

————————————————————————————————————————————

Personal request: I am trying to build my “platform”, and I know alot of you read this blog (maybe from FB, Twitter, Linked In), but are not subscribers yet. If you feel comfortable with becoming a subscriber, please click the “+Foll0w” button. Then you will receive a email directly to your inbox every time I post (which is only about 1-2 times a week). It would really help me…Thank you in advance for your support. Love, Hemalayaa